Trauma Dumping: The Do’s & Don’ts and How to Manage Oversharing

It’s natural to want to process through weird or overwhelming events with others. Trauma dumping is when that’s all we do in conversations. We share our traumatic experiences with anyone who will listen without regard to their mental health. It’s so big inside of us, we’re doing everything we can to get it out - in hopes that doing so will make it make sense. But the constant oversharing can turn people off and lead us to feel ostracized - the exact opposite reaction we’re seeking.

Examples

The following three ideas (do’s and don’ts) are illustrations of what trauma dumping can look like, the subconscious goal for trauma dumping, and ways to tweak what you’re doing to make it more appropriate. You may have engaged in these exact examples or similar in your lifetime if you’ve dealt with major trauma.

1a. Don’t spill your whole trauma story to every stranger

Goal: you want your pain validated; you want to feel seen and heard

Do you somehow always end up spilling your guts to people? Maybe while in a waiting room or public transportation. A trigger occurs such as a baby crying, a loud phone conversation, or a long wait time - and it reminds you of your trauma. So you end up making nice with someone around you and share something from your childhood. This seemingly harmless conversation actually becomes more one-sided with you now getting into the abuse you’ve endured as an adult. You’re chatting away believing that the other person needs to know what you’ve been through. You’re hoping for some relief from your pain and that someone will care about what’s happened to you. However, it’s very likely that that person is not trained to take in all of what you’re sharing. Consequently, not only are you not getting the full relief you need, but that stranger now also has to find some relief from what they’ve just heard. Because vicarious trauma is a real thing.

1b. Do connect with one stranger over trauma - that's okay 

Goal: engage in those random human moments that feel connecting

I think many of us have had those short but sweet interactions with strangers where we felt connected to them. It’s usually in moments where we can say “you’ve been hurt? Me too.” That camaraderie is powerful and uniting so that we don’t feel completely alone in the world. Someone else has felt pain, too. If you so happened to run into a stranger and had that moment of connection over shared trauma, that can be okay. It’s a reminder that suffering is universal, and the sharing is for connection, not to process. The purpose here is to feel united, connected, and validated for having a human experience.

2a. Don’t overwhelm your friends with trauma stories every single day for hours on end

Goal: process what’s happening

Are you hogging the spotlight in the friend group chat? It could be that you have a lot going on and need to vent. However, venting is when you describe your perspective and your feelings. The dysregulation you feel when you’re venting can be soothed by the support of friends. Trauma processing or dumping, nevertheless, is much more complex and can be too overwhelming for listeners to hear especially so frequently. When you’re constantly talking of your trauma, it can lead to not only trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) in yourself but also your friends. Although you’re trying to process your life stories, it won’t be effective with untrained listeners. Your friends may have enough and not want to interact with you as much because it can feel draining and oppressive to hear about hard stuff all the time.

2b. Do ask your friends if they have the bandwidth to hear you out

Goal: get your needs met while also respecting they have their own shit going on too

You can ask yourself if they really have to know every single story that pops up in your mind. Is this something you absolutely need to discuss with them? And they get a say in it, too. Friends have their own lives and their own trauma to deal with. They get to say if today is too much for them already; you can share but they might not be able to reply today. There’s limits and boundaries around what everyone can take in, so don’t take it personally. You might even be grateful they’re willing to set boundaries - it means they care about being there for you - as they can.

3a. Don’t go into the gritty details

Goal: you want to share your story and piece together exactly what happened

The story is in the details, right? But trauma stories can be traumatizing (obviously) when too many details are shared without the listener’s permission. Obviously your intention is not to traumatize your loved ones with your story, but it can happen anyways. Sexual abuse or assualt details especially are hard to hear for people who aren’t ready to listen. You deserve to feel heard and share your story in the appropriate place and time as well as with the appropriate person. Although your loved ones may be your die-hards, that doesn’t make them the best people to hear the details.

3b. Do ask if they want to hear more

Goal: giving them the opportunity to decide how much they’re willing to digest

A good rule for friendships can be to check in with each other before jumping further into traumatic details. “Do you still want to hear this?” “Are you okay if I keep going?” “Is it alright if I explain this part further?” Imagine wanting the same respect in return if the shoe was on the other foot. What if you have a similar traumatic experience and your friend is rattling off their story nonchalantly? It would affect you and bring up your own disturbing images, unsettling feelings, and distressing thoughts. I know you don’t want that to happen to you; you can give your loved ones the same respect of asking before diving in. You deserve a warning and an agreement to be a willing participant in the conversation - as do they.

Understand roles:

Friends are great supporters, but they cannot be your therapist. Therapists are trained to not only listen to your stories but help you process them. While friends are to be there for you in moral support, therapists are to be there for you therapeutically and with therapy goals in mind. Therapy is more than just having someone listen to you. There’s a whole treatment plan designed to help you find healing. This is a much different role from what your friends play. Both roles (friends and mental health professionals) are important and have their place.

Reflect:

You can take a moment to reflect on a trauma dumping situation. Ask yourself questions to help you understand yourself and your actions better. What part of me needed to tell this story? How do I feel now having shared it? Who else have I told this same story to? Do I need to tell someone else still - another trusted person or a mental health professional? You can journal your responses if that helps you make sense of your thoughts and motives.

Boundaries:

In case you wanted more reflection. Next, you can focus on boundaries. Where's the line; am I giving others the chance to share their stories; am I needing a different type of support that these people can give me? Boundaries are important in conversations with loved ones and even in dating. Oftentimes, those with much trauma, will trauma dump on potential suitors. Boundaries about what to share and what to keep to yourself can be blurred when you have been through a rough life. Before you share your trauma story with someone, you need to trust them. They have to earn your story. 

Remember:

You are not your trauma; it is one part of you and your story. You’re also [cool adjective], and a [fun hobby] enthusiast, and [family role], and [occupation], and so much more. There’s plenty more to talk about than just the saddest day of your life. It deserves acknowledgement when the time is right. And your other parts need the spotlight, too.

Summary

If you find yourself more in the don’ts, perhaps it’s time to consider therapy. Trauma dumping is not done on purpose; you don't have the intention of traumatizing your listeners. You trauma dump because you have so much hurt to share and need to unload it from yourself. It’s much too heavy for one person to hold, so you try to share the burden. And that’s okay - as long as you’re sharing your story with the proper and suitable person who is trained, willing, and able to listen. Check in with yourself and your friends before telling your traumatic experiences. You all deserve that.

Contact me if you’d like to learn more about trauma dumping and how I can help you in therapy.