Communication Styles Breakdown: How do you communicate?
Communication includes verbal and nonverbal cues. The way you speak and the words you choose are tell tale signs regarding what you’re trying to accomplish in the conversation. Every person is doing their best to communicate with others. The goals of communication, however, may differ. Are you trying to win the conversation; are you trying to lose; or are you trying to come to an understanding? Keep reading to identify which communication style resonates most with you.
Passive Communication
When we’re being passive, we don’t believe our wants and needs matter - or at least not as much as the other person’s. We short change ourselves and might have limited confidence or social skills. We want everyone to be happy even if that means we’re not content. We’re afraid to rock the boat so we comply and don’t speak up. We feel like a doormat and it seems that we get pushed around or get taken advantage of. Passive communication comments include:
“Yeah that’s fine, I don't know, we can do what you want.”
“It doesn’t matter to me.”
“You can go ahead and put my name down; I’ll do the work so everyone else can have a fun weekend.”
“I didn’t really want to, but it’s okay, I guess.”
These statements often indicate that I am a martyr. I will take the hit to make sure everyone else is okay. I may feel too afraid, anxious, or incompetent to voice my true opinions or might not even feel comfortable formulating one. When I am passive, I believe that I am unimportant.
Aggressive Communication
When we are aggressive in our communication, it can come across as mean natured. We may be yelling, swearing, or have a tone of disdain and superiority. We’re probably making demands and expecting things to go our way no matter what. We are so caught up in being right that we become unfair and disregard the other’s needs. We’re no longer making decisions together but stating commands and possibly using tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting, and belittling. Therefore, you are not equals with the other person but, rather, opponents. Aggressive communication sounds like:
“You never listen to what I have to say! Just shut the hell up and listen!”
“I’m going out with my friends. You stay home to watch the kids. I’ll call you in an hour to make sure you’re still home.”
“How stupid are you that you can’t get this right?”
“When did you become so clingy and needy?”
These statements are used to convey disrespect and fight for power. Your listener is less likely to hear you out when you speak aggressively because you are accusing and demanding instead of engaging and respecting.
Passive Aggressive Communication
When we're being passive aggressive, we don’t feel confident or worthy enough to clearly state when we’re upset (similar to passive communication), so we subtly make it known. Passive aggressive communication can be expressed in body language such as crossing our arms, facing our body away from the other person, or rolling our eyes. We’re expressing a feeling or thought without outrightly saying it. Our voice can also indicate passive aggressiveness by being sharp, short, or using a sarcastic tone. Gestures such as withdrawing affection, stomping, and closing doors harder than normal can be behaviors we use to tell someone we are upset without using our words. Passive aggressive communication can also look like:
“It was just a joke; you know I didn’t really mean it.” (inappropriate humor)
“I don’t even give a fuck.” (stomping away)
“....” (silent treatment)
“They don’t know how much I hate them right now. I wish they would say something to me.” (mumbling to oneself)
These statements are typically indirectly letting someone know how you feel. You might be feeling like an injustice has occurred and you’re simmering from frustration like a volcano. You make side comments to lightly express your anger but don’t actually say anything to the person. When the volcano erupts, it usually looks like aggressive communication.
Assertive Communication
This communication style is the goal. When we are assertive in a conversation, we are aiming for understanding. Not just that my viewpoint will be understood, but that I’ll come to understand the other persons’ perspective as well. We’re looking for compromise not “I win, you lose.” That means there has to be respect for each other; we are equals and we both matter. There’s empathy when we speak with assertiveness while still recognizing that I deserve to have my needs met, too. To be assertive is to speak confidently and compassionately. Typically, you’re using I-Statements such as:
“I believe I’ve been insecure lately. I’m not sure exactly why, but I just wanted to let you know.”
“I need alone time when I come home from work. I know we haven’t seen each other all day, and I want to spend time with you. I just need a moment to decompress first. What do you think about me going to shower and wash off the day before we start dinner?”
“I notice I feel angry when you park on the right side of the driveway. I’d prefer that to be my spot since it’s closer to the front door and I need a shorter walk when I unload groceries. Can I park there instead?”
“I want a chance to share my thoughts with you. I’d like for us to take time and sit down for this conversation so I can hear you out, too. Is it okay to start now?”
These statements are used to describe your wishes and expectations in a way that the listener will be more receptive to hear you out because you’re expressing yourself instead of attacking them. When you practice assertive communication, both people will feel safe and heard.
Conclusion
We can communicate in varying communication styles throughout our lifetime. Perhaps with a parent I am passive, but with a partner I am aggressive. Situations, environments, and relationships may lead you to shift your communication style. No one is perfect and it can be easy to fall into a certain communication style based on your personality. The healthiest communication style is assertive, but it’s normal and natural to sometimes communicate in passive, aggressive, or passive aggressive styles. It takes effort and dedication to change the way you communicate and moreover, the way you view others, yourself, and relationships.
TLDR
The communication styles and their goals:
Passive = lose/win
Aggressive = win/lose
Passive Aggressive = lose/lose
Assertive = win/win
What do you want to do more of? Contact me if you need help discerning between the communication style or want to improve the way you communicate with yourself and others.