Gentle, please: How to start hard conversations with respect
Do you ever get so annoyed with your partner for something they keep doing even though you’ve asked them a million times to do better?
This happens all the time in relationships. Requests as simple as “put the toilet seat down” can start wars. The ideas make so much sense in your mind; it’s baffling that your partner doesn’t just get it. But they don’t. Because your mind is not their mind.
So how do we reach an understanding without screaming our heads off at each other? It all has to do with how you begin the conversation - how you decide to bring up the issue. Drs. John and Julie Gottman call the solution a gentle start-up.
This means we don’t start the conversation with a “Wtf, Angel? Put the damn towels in the hamper, you slob.” No, no, no, no. This is a harsh start-up as evident by the profanity, aggressive tone, name calling, and entitled demand. This type of start-up leads to anger, a fight, and even violence in extreme situations. We want to avoid accusatory language like this for the emotional & physical safety of everyone.
Respect your partner and yourself with clear, kind words AKA a gentle start-up. The key is I-Statements. There are so many formulas for I-Statements (you can find what’s comfortable for you). Essentially the format goes: I feel [emotion] because [situation]. I need [desire].
State how you’re feeling; explain what’s causing you to feel this way; express what you need and how you’d like your partner to meet that need. All of this should be said without blaming the other person, without judging them, and as if you actually like them.
Let’s try again with Angel. A gentle start-up following the formula could be, “I feel frustrated because there’s dirty towels on the floor. I need you to pick them up.” Practice with this format and then when you get comfortable, you can use language that feels more you and less robotic. Such as: I’m frustrated with the towels on the floor. Can you pick those up before we go to bed?”
Start with gentleness and you’re more likely to get that in return. It’s hard to try new ways of communicating, but if you’re ready for more loving relationships, it’ll be worth the effort.
Next time you have an issue to bring up with someone, remember the mantra: gentle, please. When you’re ready to learn more about how to have hard conversations, schedule your first session with me.