Anger: The misunderstood emotion that gets a bad rap
Is all anger bad?
Nope. Not at all. Anger is neither good nor bad - it just is. We can’t assign labels like good emotions or bad emotions because all emotions have a purpose. For most people, anger is uncomfortable, and that’s okay.
Where do we learn about anger?
Where we learn everything else: from our family of origin. If you come from a family where being mad was not allowed, you may have received messages like these:
“You change that face right now.”
“This isn’t even a big deal to be emotional about.”
“You have no business being upset in this house where I feed & clothe you.”
This teaches you that anger does not have a place. Outrage can’t belong. So you do what makes sense for you - you push it all the way down. You swallow your frustrations. But they have nowhere to go, so they stay until you reach your boiling point.
Then you’re an erupting volcano. You let your rage loose. It is untamed and out of control. You cuss out authority figures, fight with peers, and struggle to keep yourself in check. You never learned that anger is acceptable and can be healthy.
What is anger for?
Anger is a basic emotion that belongs in you just like happy and sad do. Have you seen Inside Out? Re-watch and pay attention. Irritation is a signal that something is not okay with you or an injustice has occurred. When you notice yourself feeling indignation, you can ask yourself, “what’s this about?” Practice identifying the additional feelings that exist underneath your anger: loneliness, embarrassment, hurt, etc. Something triggered the annoyance and you do yourself and others a favor by understanding why.
Do I have to hurt someone to express anger?
Absolutely not. Fury that hurts someone or yourself is violence, and that’s not cool. You can express your displeasure in ways that keep everyone safe. Anger is a huge energy force inside of you. Think of little kid tantrums when they’re disconcerted - they're expelling out all of the uncomfortable energy. You need to do the same. So do kickboxing, punch a pillow, go for a run, swim your heart out, have a dance party, smash stuff in a break room, throw water balloons at a brick wall, scream into a forest - whatever will help you drain the angry energy stuck in your body. Do it for you. Express yourself freely, safely, and compassionately. And let that shit go.
Managing anger can be difficult especially when you’ve been carrying it for so long. Book your first appointment with me to get the support you deserve.