Accept Influence: How to win arguments together

WE CAN BE BIASED

In arguments, many of us get stuck in our own perspective. Of course we do. You hold strong beliefs and your own point of view. You’ve formulated an opinion that must be right because it’s yours. Our ego can get big - way too big - and will overlook what our partner is saying. Because if I’m right, they must be wrong. Now we’re just two stubborn persons gearing up our rebuttals, which shuts down any possibility of understanding, compassion, and reconciliation. You’re just trying to prove your point and your partner won’t listen. But maybe you’re not listening either.

INTRODUCING: ACCEPTING INFLUENCE

“Yield to win” is the Gottman approach to handling conflict with your loved one. What does that mean? To yield is to surrender. I might have lost you here, but stick with me. I understand that when you’re in a fight, no one wants to concede. It’s extremely difficult to wave the white flag when you’re enveloped in a heated debate. But what if surrendering actually meant winning? Yielding is having the willingness to step aside from your ego and be flexible enough to open your mind to your partner’s position.

HOW TO ACCEPT INFLUENCE FROM YOUR PARTNER

How do we do this? Find what part you can agree with. Believe that there’s at least one thing your partner is saying that you can agree with. Just one thing you can buy into. And if you can buy into one thing they’re saying to you, perhaps they can buy into one thing you’re saying to them.

And tell them! Say: “That makes sense,” or “Good point, babe,” or “I can see what you mean.” Share those words and watch the relief that washes over them. I bet you were both stuck in tense body language and movements until you decided to relent. Notice how much calmer you both feel when one person chooses to submit and admit there’s some truth in what the other is expressing.

For this whole concept to work, you have to let go of trying to win. I know winning feels good. But if you’re winning a battle against your partner, your relationship loses and suffers. You know what feels even better? Winning in your relationship WITH your partner. 

CHALLENGES WITH ACCEPTING INFLUENCE

Of course, backing down feels like losing, but this is where we change that. What stops most people from bending to their partner? They are afraid of appearing weak. I pose this question to you if you’re feeling doubtful: is it weak to be part of the solution? To me, that sounds like the opposite of weakness. It takes great strength to declare that your partner has a point. Giving in to one part of your partner’s approach is not giving up your perspective. It shows open-mindedness to believe your stance and make space for your partner’s outlook as well. 

Not everyone has mastered the skill of giving in because of how weird and wrong it feels. But you’ll get better and better with practice. This is a whole new way of communicating for you. With effort and time, accepting your partner’s influence will feel more natural as it becomes standard practice for your relationship. And watch how they start to accept your influence as well.

BENEFITS OF ACCEPTING INFLUENCE

The Gottmans said: “You cannot be influential unless you accept influence.” Yielding to your partner increases compromise. A little give here and a little take there all makes for smoother and healthier disagreements. When someone says, “I get what you’re saying here” or “I agree that…” you just feel instantly heard and understood. That feels especially amazing when it’s on a topic that is bringing discord. So what’s the ultimate overall benefit? Marital satisfaction. You feel good about choosing your partner; you feel committed to them again; you feel so much more in love with this person who is hearing you out. 

SUMMARY

It’s natural to stick to your guns and go against your partner in any debate. Be brave enough to put down your pride and agree with one thing your partner is telling you. Notice how accepting their influence changes the conversation so that you both can win against this fight and move the heck on. Reach out for couples therapy if you’d like more support.